Church Is Boring, We All Know This

Dec 11, 2015 | | 1 comment

This is just a weird thing that happened to me in church, there’s nothing educational about this post. By the way, if you’re not learning from the other ones, rinse the shit out of your eyes and read them again. When I was 12 years old I started getting erections. They were usually random, but sometimes regular, and one of the regulars was when i was sitting on those shitty wooden benches in church that hurt your ass. I would be falling asleep but keeping myself awake at the same time so that i could stand, sit, and kneel at the appropriate times. It was in this semi-conscious state that my dick would get rock hard. There’s no boner like a little kid boner, as every good Christian knows.


I spent most of the time in church looking forward to when we could stand up and sing. These things need cushions God damn it.

Well one time I got one of these purple carrots right when everyone was called up to take Communion. If you aren’t Catholic, Communion is when you eat a cracker and drink wine in order to simulate eating Christ’s body and drinking his blood. Everyone was lining up, and I did the same, being drowsier than normal on this day I did not notice my erection. On my way up I swerved every so slightly to the right, caught my kiddy cock on a hard wooden ass-pain bench, and it snapped in half, or rather it was severely bent, but it felt like it broke in half. I screamed, “AAAAAAAAAHHHHH HOLY SHIT IT HURTS SO BAD,” while crying. This is not language I often used at just 12 years old, especially not in church, so you know my penis was in pain.


The term “boner” is misleading, as the penis contains no bones.

One of my friend’s parents once explained to me why you should never say “holy shit” or “holy crap”, but instead say “holy cow”. Some cultures consider cows worthy of worship, but nobody prays in front of poop. Anyways I started rolling around on the ground, and I knocked an elderly woman’s legs out from underneath her. Her wrinkly old face smashed right into my dick, which was extremely tender at this point, and I became angry. I began punching her as hard as I could in her gray hair, underneath which was a fragile old skull. I was soon pulled off of her, but I had given her a concussion. That was the last time I went to church.


This picture has nothing to do with the rest of the post. Close, but no cigarette.

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