People need to know what will kill you dead so that they can avoid these things, or not avoid them if they’re suicidal. Unfortunately, TV only teaches us what to buy and our teachers in school are too distracted by the vibrators in their anuses and LSD in their eyeballs to tell us how to not die. What makes people die is a complete mystery to most of us! Here are several things that can kill you dead so you won’t be so stupid and ignorant anymore.
Everyone knows that if there is no porn to watch, it is best to masturbate with your eyes closed so that you can more vividly imagine a sexual situation. However, when you are driving down the highway, this is a recipe for disaster. 7,000 people are killed every year in America because they were masturbating with their eyes closed while operating heavy machinery like a bulldozer or car or flying a plane. It is tempting to start furiously jacking off during long and boring drives on the highway, but please keep your eyes open if you choose to do so.
This may seem hard to believe, but having sex can kill you dead. There’s something known as penis explosions, which is when the head of the penis fills with too much blood, causing it to burst. This causes severe bleeding, which often goes unnoticed because of what a good time the man is having. The best treatment for a penis explosion is for someone to put their mouth on the end of the now headless shaft, in order to slow down the bleeding. Tell this person what a good job they’re doing and tell them how beautiful they are while you wait for an ambulance to arrive. There is no way to avoid penis explosions.
Doing drugs is harmless fun. However, some drugs can KILL YOU DEAD. The primary drug that kills people is marijuana, when injected into the veins it clogs them with its planty bulk and stops blood from going to the brain. This lack of blood causes stupidity, and the retardation caused by marijuana use is what makes it so appealing to users, and nothing else. However, having no blood in the brain causes dangerous side effects, such as laughter and death. The best way to avoid dying from marijuana injection is to verbally assault strangers by insulting their appearance while using swear words like, “fuck” and “diarrhea”. This will make the cool kids with the weed not want to hang out with you, saving your life.
Taking shits is necessary for survival, but if you’re not careful, ejaculating poop out of your anus can kill you dead. Many people in third world countries die from excessive diarrhea, thousands every day. Here’s a charity you selfish fuck http://www.wateraid.org/uk/what-we-do Anyway since we have Gatorade in America we don’t need to worry about death by diarrhea. It’s the opposite: it’s our shits being too solid that causes the problem. Taking a poop that’s too massive for our butts to handle will tear the anus and make the intestines fall out into the toilet. It’s very important that you don’t hold in your poop for long or else you could clog the toilet or die. The best way to prevent over-sized shits is to finger your asshole until you cum/squirt poop. Don’t worry about where you do this; feces is clean and sanitary.
Many people visit their doctors to stay alive, but seeing medical health professionals can kill you dead twice as fast as any disease. Sometimes doctors make the wrong diagnosis, causing the wrong medicine to be taken while the disease continues to progress. Doctors are known to molest their patients, sticking their thumbs up their patients’ butt holes or asking to see them naked. Doctors have also been known to drink urine samples while jacking off. Doctors think they know everything, but if that was true, why do they ask so many questions when you visit? Every year, 3,094,758 deaths are caused by doctor’s visits, while only 55 lives are saved by them. Stay away from doctors at all costs.
Did you know that drinking water too fast can kill you dead? You do now you silly fuck! Sometimes when people are really thirsty, they jump into large bodies of water such as swimming pools, rivers, lakes and oceans. They don’t bother swimming because they’re so thirsty and they go underwater and open their mouths to get a nice refreshing drink. But there’s too much water and they drink it too fast, causing a condition called “drowning”. If you are going to go into a pool to get a nice drink of chlorinated water, be sure to take it in measured gulps, occasionally returning to the surface for air.
Running in front of oncoming traffic for fun and games is a great way to get high on life. But if a car or train hits you, it will splatter your guts all over the place. Playing dodge the cars on the highway is a fun game for the whole family. As long as you can run really fast, you can move sideways quicker than the cars can come towards you. The key to running out in front of trucks is to be ready to fall flat and lay underneath between the two sets of tires as they harmlessly drive over top of you. Good reflexes ensure safety, so as long as you aren’t intoxicated, you should be fine.
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