As you may have already heard, aliens are circling our planet at this very moment. They clearly are not like the aliens in movies, which typically try to take over Earth (which we somehow defeat with our inferior technology). We can be sure of this because they have been here since 1947, or for thousands of years if you think the History Channel hasn’t completely sold out its butthole to be fucked by crackpot dipshits. Anyways, forget that preposterous bullshit. Aliens have only been here 68 years. That only one of their spaceships crashed out of a fleet of thousands or even millions is a testament to the technological brilliance of our visitors.
You might be thinking, assuming you have a brain to think with, (fuck plants CNS ftw) that there are no aliens circling our planet and that I am a liar. Have you ever heard of the Cold War? They jammed our silos with an EMP any time we tried to initiate Doomsday. There’s videos on the internet of this, which are the most trustworthy source of information around. This is why many people refer to our visitors as the Guardians. You should feel 100% sure that no nuclear exchange will occur, ever.
Why are the aliens here then? You may have heard the vicious rumor that aliens anally probe humans that they abduct in order to conduct scientific research. This is not true. They are not sticking metallic objects into human anuses, but are actually viciously raping people with their cold-blooded cocks. Hard, cold object was in the butt during a period you barely remember? Natural thing to think is that it was a probe. No, the real reason aliens traveled millions of light-years was to fuck some nice tight buttholes. They travel from planet to planet, preventing nuclear apocalypse until all the buttholes of an intelligent species are loose and unfuckable. Then they leave them (us) to their own devices, for better or worse.