Valentine’s day comes with high expectations. Romance is an art. Women expect things and if you don’t give them what they want, you will get no sex. Don’t underestimate the power of women. They have the vaginas you want to put your penis in. Follow this guide on how to treat your lady right come Valentine’s day, and your penis will not have dry skin. Sex! Do what I say and you get sex!!!
Bitches love chocolates. If you get a woman chocolate, she will eat it, causing a chemical reaction in her pussy that makes it want sex. You can buy chocolates anywhere, and you can even steal them. Remember to bring condoms but cut off the end of them so the head of your penis at least gets to feel something. For a kinky treat, you can buy chocolates with filling, scoop out the filling, then fill it back up with your cum. Eating your cum chocolates will make be sex.
Overpriced Jewelry. It’s important to be able to lie well, especially when you are talking to females. Get your lady fake expensive jewelry. You can still find Ring Pops at some places. Get some gold nail polish and paint the ring gold. The ring pop is the giant jewel. Present her with the ring pop and tell her it cost a million dollars.
Bitches love Starbucks. Coffee can be made for pennies a cup if you buy it from the grocery store. However, women still want fucking Starbucks. It makes no goddamn sense, but they have the vaginas, so you’re pretty much fucked. Buy her some expensive coffee and pretend like you’re not pissed off. Bonus points if you act like you don’t want any yourself, then drink half of their drink. This is called being dominant and women love it.
Fuck. I guess we have to go on a date. I understand. Women have been conditioned to want fancy dates and as a result your wallet gets raped. Now is not the time to lament how fucked up and godless this world is. You need sex. If you don’t get sex, your penis will be dry. If your penis is dry, you will be sad. Take her to a fancy Italian restaurant, like Little Caesar’s. You can get a pizza for just five bucks there and she’ll never know the fucking difference. You have to eat the pizza in the car. If she complains, yell at her.
Flowers are a girl’s best friend. I know, I know! They’re just going to fucking die and it’s a waste of time and money. Women don’t get it and you just have to deal. Steal them from someone’s lawn and say they cost fifty dollars. Put them in a vase to make it look legit. Flowers emit a scent that makes women’s assholes self-lubricate. “Stick a flower in her ass?” You’re learning fast!
Write that bitch a love letter. Tell her why you love her. Make it deep and heartfelt. Let her know that you care about her and cherish the time you spend with her. The best part is, while she reads the letter, sneak up on her from behind with your dick out and ready to cum. Blow your load on the top of her head, all over her hair. Then declare, “I’m done! See you tomorrow!”
You can’t spell “Hi, I love you!” without HIV. You don’t have to get HIV yourself of course. Steal used needles from AIDS-infested junkies and roleplay doctor and sexy patient. While she’s sucking your doctor dick, jam the needle in her neck and shoot her up with HIV. This should give you the best orgasm of your life. If you don’t cum to the AIDS injection then you are gay.
Get a surprise sex change. Women love sensitive guys. Show her that you care about women’s issues by becoming one. Make sure you get to keep your dick after it’s chopped off, because you can put it in her soup someday then jack off to the thought of her eating your dick. Oh no! Your dick is gone! You can’t jack off now! Fuck! Fuck!
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