Lou loved going to church. He believed in God and considered his faith the most valuable thing in his life. Every Sunday Morning, he would drive to the Church of Christ-God-Jesus-Mary-Joseph and join hundreds of other Christians from his upper-middle class suburban township.
Lou walked into church an hour before the sermon on a beautiful May morning and sat in the front row. He was skinny and tall, with long black hair. As he kneeled and prayed for the hour before the service, his hair fell over his face, and Lou went to his happy place. He prayed for his family, everyone in church, for Syrian refugees and drug addicts and homeless people. He thanked God for all the blessings he had given him, especially his health.
He never tired of praying, and when the service finally began and he looked around him to see a church that had filled with people since he last looked, he sometimes wished that he had more time to pray. But nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, so Lou accepted that it was God’s will that Lou stop praying and hear His word as revealed in the Bible.
The handsome preacher came to the pulpit and began speaking into the microphone. The topic of today’s mass was Jesus Christ and how awesome and cool he was. Lou was enchanted, especially when the subject of Christ’s beautiful sacrifice came up. He could feel the Lord’s love for all people whenever he thought of the cross; feel it in his heart and soul. The end of the priest’s speech about Christ’s sacrifice was timed to end right before Sacrament, when the flock enjoyed wine and crackers to represent the cannibalistic devouring of Christ’s flesh and the drinking of his blood.
Lou waited in line with eager anticipation. He could not wait to be one with the Lord. He smiled and resisted the urge to talk about how much he loved God, in deference to the solemnity of the ceremony. “La la la Jesus was good, doo doo doo dah,” the choir sang. Beautiful organ music filled Lou’s ears as he reached the front of the line and crossed himself.
“Blood of Christ,” the deacon said, and handed Lou a goblet, from which he took a sip. “Body of Christ,” the deacon said, and handed Lou a cracker with a plus sign on it. Lou ate it and felt pure ecstasy shoot down his spine. God was inside him and it felt AMAZING.
The thirst had been awakened. Lou was an alcoholic. Once he took that first drink, he was off to the races. He had always considered asking for a bottle of wine for himself. Just one sip seemed like a deliberate tease. Once Lou returned to his pew, he felt for the flask in the special pocket he had sown into the inside of his suit. He pretended to sneeze, lifting up the side of the suit over his face, and took a shot of Bacardi 151. After Lou sneezed 5 times, the room began to spin and Lou felt drowsy.
Lou struggled to sit up straight and hear more about the Jews exodusing Egypt and how Moses had thousands of them murdered for praying to a cow. It was hard to focus, but Lou knew that God was talking to him through the preacher, so he sat as still as he could and let the Lord make love to his ears.
Suddenly, Lou sharted. A shart is a fart that also expels shit. He sharted hard and loud and it made the preacher stop speaking and look for the source of the interruption. The first shart was loud enough, but the second shart was three times louder and came when the whole room was silent. It echoed throughout the massive church and Lou was awful embarrassed. He prayed desperately that nobody would realize that he was the poopetrator.
Sometimes loud farts get a laugh, then everyone moves on. Unfortunately, Lou ate several raw eggs a day. People around him started to pinch their noses and crinkle their faces in disgust. To disguise his guilt, Lou did the same. “OH MY GOD,” a young woman ejaculated. Moans of misery spread; this stench had legs. As Lou looked around him, he saw an old man trying to shuffle sideways down the pew toward the aisle, facing the back. Too many legs impeded his progress and he didn’t make it in time and puked orange and brown chunk soup on the faces, chest, and laps of several people. Someone else who saw this puked on the person next to them.
People began to scream and flee as the puking spread. Puke is contagious because hearing, seeing, or smelling someone puke can make you puke. Soon there was puke in the aisles and people began to slip, and piles of bodies littered the church. There were clogs at the exits. Lou stood up and walked towards the abandoned pulpit. He got up there and faced the pandemonium. He took another shot, and shit himself some more.
Speaking into the microphone, Lou proclaimed, “God works in mysterious ways.”
Posted in: Shortened Stories