Once upon a time in a fictional world where animals talk and are basically like people, there was a giraffe named Gayraff. Gayraff was actually bisexual though. He was 16 feet tall with a 20-inch penis. When he talked he sounded a 90-year-old woman who had chain-smoked constantly for the last 85 years. He was a sexual deviant and a megalomaniac. One day, he suddenly quit his job at the dildo testing center.
Gayraff, being an attention whore, addressed all the other giraffes in the break room during lunch. He pulled a dildo out of his ass and threw it at a coworker giraffe, who was eight months pregnant but could not get maternity leave. “Fuck you all!” He shouted in a rage. “These dildos are too small to please my asshole properly. I resign my post as dildo-ass-fuck-tester effective immediately!” His boss began weeping, for Gayraff was his best and horniest employee. Gayraff had often insulted and hit his boss and even ate his own shit out of his ass and then spit it in the boss’s face, but Gayraff had a way of making people he hurt love him.
Gayraff set out to find something big enough to properly pleasure his asshole. He wandered the streets of Long Neck Island, unemployed and hornier than a retard on crack. He sat on a telephone pole, but it gave him splinters. Later, he grabbed a stop sign with his hoof-hands and octagonally raped his own asshole. But after a while, the increase in car accidents caught the eyes of the pigs, and he had to stop. Then he paid some AIDS-infested giraffe prostitutes to shove their heads and long necks up his ass. Unfortunately, neck-ass-fucking ain’t cheap, and he had to stop or he would run out of booze money.
Yes, Gayraff was an alcoholic. As he walked around drunk and shoving random dangerous objects up his ass, he developed delusions of grandeur. “People need to worship me,” he said aloud to himself. “I should have my anus and all my other needs taken care of. Plus, I’m smarter than everyone else and they would benefit from me constantly telling them what to do!” Everyone else on the sidewalk tried to ignore him without making it seem like they were ignoring anything. Gayraff came up with a devious plan. He printed out some flyers and put them on telephone poles and taped them to people’s backs. “Free money party at my high-ceilinged apartment! Bring your longest cylindrical objects and a positive attitude to 6969 Shit St.”
On Saturday night, animals began pouring into Gayraff’s apartment. There was a swinger hippo couple, a monkey with a big dick, a polar bear girl with dreadlocks and no tits, and an orthodox Jew complete with long curly sideburns with one of those stupid beanies. “Oy, where’s the free money, hombre?” The Jew asked with a suspicious tone.
“Are you suspicious of ME?” Gayraff asked incredulously. “You are a Jew. Have some self-awareness. I have gathered you all here because I am starting a super club for cool people that will make us all rich. But you must worship me as your God. Now, who has some cylindrical objects to shove in God’s asshole?” Animals tried to leave but the door was locked. “Aha, escape shan’t be so easy. Now it is time for some sexual beatings to instill obediency and sexual deviancy in you.” And so Gayraff beat them all about the head with dildos. And thus they were brainwashed, and a cult was born.
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