Horoscopes

Horoscopes for 7/23/2017

Jul 25, 2017 | | Say something

Today’s horoscope for Sagittarius: Fuck you for breaking my heart. Today’s horoscope for Cancer: You may be tempted to avenge your father’s death from cancer by going into a hospital and pissing on doctors’ shoes. Dont! Go downtown and fight homeless people instead. They deserve anything bad that happens to them. Today’s horoscope for Taurus: […more]

Your Daily Horoscope

Dec 27, 2016 | | Say something

These apply to whatever day you read them and are 100% true, even if you think they aren’t. Today’s horoscope for Scorpio: you have often been cavalier about eating expired food, but today you can avoid diarrhea by playing by the rules. People are talking about you behind your back, but if you accuse them […more]

Horoscopes

Sep 5, 2016 | | 1 comment

The REAL traits of each horoscope sign: don’t get your astrology from anywhere else, you can’t be sure it’s accurate! Aquarius: You are extremely afraid of water to the point that you will not shower, wash your hands, or drink it. You drink alcoholic beverages instead, but you are fooling yourself because these contain water. […more]