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Ghosts Watch You Poop

May 26, 2016 | | Say something

There are things that are made out of the only two real things in our universe, matter and energy, and then there are magical things, like souls. Souls were discovered by Jesus when he went 40 days without water, which as we all know is impossible. How did he do it then? SOUL POWER.┬áThis is […more]

Abortion Is An Abomination

May 24, 2016 | | Say something

Why do you hate babies? Why do you want them to die? Sorry, this issue makes me awfully emotional. You see they stab these little fish monsters while they’re still growing in the uterus and vacuum them out. What crimes have these babies committed? None, they were simply unlucky enough to be conceived inside a […more]

I’m Fucking Insane

May 20, 2016 | | Say something

I can’t tell if the extra voices in my head aren’t talking loud enough, or I’m just not listening hard enough. I tell people I have schizofriendsia (so called because of the extra friends in the head) but nobody believes me. I was walking home one day about a year ago whilst high on Robitussin. […more]

Save the World By Killing Yourself

Apr 28, 2016 | | Say something

Clearly, humans are the primary source of evil on the planet. You may not know this because you did not watch Earthlings. Well I did and that gives me the right to tell you what to do, for I am enlightened. Global warming is melting our planet’s ice cubes and soon our beverage will be […more]

Don’t Do What Your Parents Tell You To

Apr 23, 2016 | | Say something

Cleaning your room is a waste of fucking time. God damn it, I don’t want to go to bed at 10pm, I don’t care if I fall asleep at school tomorrow. And I want to masturbate to music videos on VH1 instead of doing my homework. Parents are old obsolete bitches, we as their replacements, […more]

Trees Can Talk

Apr 22, 2016 | | Say something

If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? The answer is yes, it screams and screams. Trees can feel pain, both emotional and physical. Opportunity is knocking at your front door, the one made out of dead trees. Heed its call and murder a lumberjack. Sometimes, trees have weird knots in […more]

I Can’t Stop Fucking My Hand

Apr 4, 2016 | | Say something

This is a very serious problem that I have. When I try to tell my friends about it, they always end up telling me, “Shut the fuck up! Nobody wants to hear about your dick!” I have no hope of this issue ever being addressed. For years, in secret, I have repeatedly rubbed my erection […more]

I Ate Five Ativan Out of My Mom’s Purse

Apr 3, 2016 | | Say something

I am the greatest writer who ever lived. Reading my words is 100% guaranteed to make you smarter in every way. If you don’t like what I have to say, too bad, you’re far away in another room. Sorry if this is too real, but for hundreds of thousands of animals have had their corpses […more]

Concerning the Benefits of ISIS Membership

Mar 30, 2016 | | Say something

There’s a hot new terrorist organization on the scene, known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Their noble attempt to establish a new Muslim caliphate is misunderstood by Western culture, as nobody who hasn’t read the Qur’an would see why this is such a vital undertaking. Many disagree with the methods they use […more]

Charles Dickens Must Have Had A Really Shitty Childhood

Mar 26, 2016 | | Say something

I recently started reading Oliver Twist, after reading David Copperfield, and I have come to the conclusion that in his early years, Charles Dickens was starved and regularly beaten. I don’t know where he grew up (England) but the people who live there clearly got off on pummeling children with various stick-like objects while they […more]