Charles Dickens Must Have Had A Really Shitty Childhood

Mar 26, 2016 | | Say something

I recently started reading Oliver Twist, after reading David Copperfield, and I have come to the conclusion that in his early years, Charles Dickens was starved and regularly beaten. I don’t know where he grew up (England) but the people who live there clearly got off on pummeling children with various stick-like objects while they screamed insults in their little faces. Not having enough to eat due to poverty is a common theme, as is running away from an abusive living situation at around 10 years old.

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I’ll write that bitch a poem. Bitches love poems.

If you’ve read these books, you undoubtedly just laughed so hard that you bit your tongue during the subsequent seizure. If not, I will furniture several examples of Charles Dickens’s fascination with child abuse. “Now David, you must be much more careful today than usual.” He wasn’t careful enough because “Mr. Murdstone! Sir! Don’t! Pray don’t beat me! I have tried to learn, sir,” after which David bites Mr. Murdstone’s hand. As a consequence David is sent to a boarding school where the principal beats the shit out of all the kids. “Mr. Creakle came to where I sat and said that if I was famous for biting, he was famous for biting, too. He then showed me the cane and asked me what I thought of that, for a tooth? Was it a sharp tooth, hey? Had it a deep prong, hey? Did it bite, hey? Did it bite? At every question he gave me a fleshy cut with it that made me writhe.”

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Proof that Hitler was an asshole.

Everyone knows that fiction writers are always really writing about things that happened specifically to them. Therefore, Charles Dickens encountered many sadistic adults before his balls even grew a beard. His character Oliver Twist encounters even more horrifying situations than David Copperfield.

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“Just one more bowl”…. Fiends are never full

“‘Please, sir,’ replied Oliver, ‘I want some more.’ The master aimed a blow at Oliver’s head with the ladle; pinioned him in his arm; and shrieked aloud for the beadle. ‘That boy will be hung,’ said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. ‘I know that boy will be hung.'” Also considered a criminal from birth, Charles Dickens would begin drinking at age 11 in an attempt to increase his penis size. Considering these facts, it becomes clear that “I want some more,” is a reference to insatiable alcoholism, and “That boy will be hung,” is a tasteful penis joke.

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