There’s a hot new terrorist organization on the scene, known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. Their noble attempt to establish a new Muslim caliphate is misunderstood by Western culture, as nobody who hasn’t read the Qur’an would see why this is such a vital undertaking. Many disagree with the methods they use to strive after their goal. Sex trafficking, be-headings, and mass shootings will always sound terrible out of context.
But enough negativity! Let’s focus on the great perks that come with ISIS employment and deployment. All soldiers in the field get unlimited free ice cream to offset the ball-melting heat. They are also guaranteed a prime position in the afterlife for fulfilling what Muhammad claimed is Allah’s will. Consider this: You are a citizen of the Great Satan and an infidel. What better way is there to avoid eternal suffering than repenting through heroic jihad? ISIS soldiers learn useful skills like playing with guns and the biggest fucking firecrackers you ever saw. Your commitment to the one true religion will magnetically attract massive Middle-Eastern titties. Best of all, with these women there’s no such thing as a butterface.
Let’s face facts: Islam is the One True Religion. It says so in the very beginning of the Qur’an, “This is the book about which there can be no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah.” Don’t even fuck around. Allah is real. It says it right on the ISIS flag, “There is no God but God.” Stop jacking off, drinking alcohol, eating pork, and especially praying to Jesus! Allah is the only God!!!
This article is a joke. Please do not arrest me NSA domestic spies.