I met an old man who told me that he could give me magical powers. Of what kind, I asked. The power to see women naked, he replied. He showed me a website on the internet known as pornhub.com. After watching humans have sexual intercourse for a while, I became bored. I told the old man of my troubles, and he directed me to sheephorsepigfuckers.com. I was hooked instantly. As I sat in the library I watched a beautiful woman suck a horse’s cock. I was so aroused that I came so hard it hurt, which I expressed with a savage yell. I am no longer welcome at the library.
Then one day at home, while my now uninteresting wife was away buying tampons and dildos she used to cope with my sudden lack of sexual interest in her, I stumbled across a video of a man fucking a pig. This was exciting to me due to the danger involved. A pig can put up quite the fight when you are trying to penetrate its muddy vagina. I knew immediately that I had to try this for myself. That very night, I broke into a farmer’s barn about 20 miles from my home, and removed my pants and underwear. But this was no barn, it was a 7/11, which I had mistakenly entered because I had gotten drunk on mouth wash and hand sanitizer.
The police were called and I drove away, swerving all over the road and nearly hitting several pedestrians, who dived out of the way into puddles of mud which undoubtedly had icky worms in them. It was raining heavily but I had no windshield wipers, I had ripped them off in order to knock bird’s nests off of trees for the sake of sick sadistic thrills. I crashed my car into a telephone pole, but luckily my airbag saved me, so I ran out of my car and dug a hole with my bare hands in the ground in which to die peacefully. However, after spending five minutes on this noble project, I became tired and bored, and laid down on the ground and masturbated to the memory of seeing a goat fuck an Asian woman with small breasts.
I was in the condition when the police arrived, and they could not hide their disgust. However, they were very professional about how they beat me with their nightsticks, making sure to hit me in the abdomen to leave less bruises. They put me in the back of a cop car and said I had the right to remain silent, but I gave them a confession, , for I am a people pleaser. I told them that I was in fact from the future, and had come to warn the people of Earth not to trust the Mormons, for they planned world domination through the use of catchy songs and bubblegum laced with methamphetamine. The Mormons don’t do drugs, the police replied. I told them I was from the CIA and was investigating the theft of several condoms from the local CVS. This they accepted, and they released me due to my government credentials I scribbled onto a napkin and handed to them.
Posted in: Shortened Stories