Everyone loves money, because money buys happiness and sex. The best things in life cost money. Those who say, “The best things in life are free,” are typically poor. They are jealous of the wealthy and want to kill them and wear their skin, like a fur coat with very little fur. This isn’t their fault; greedy corporations pay many people low wages or minimum wage because they want the money that actual employees are producing. This is how capitalism works; the rich harvest the labor of the poor. Well, your harvested labor can be worth much more than it is! There are many ways to get a high paying job. These are literally all of them. You’re welcome.
Sell cocaine. This is an extremely high paying job that is tax free. Anybody can sell cocaine as long as they are cool enough and have good networking skills. Cocaine is always in high demand because of its many health benefits, such as weight loss and nosebleeds. Be sure to carry a gun and be ready to kill people with it. The profits are enormous and satisfaction of being a positive influence on the community will make your suicidal thoughts a thing of the past.
Get a college degree. Actually going to college is expensive, tie-consuming, and will probably turn you into an alcoholic. It’s much safer to simply make a fake degree, or better yet, simply tell potential employers that you have one and have absolutely no backup plan for if they get suspicious. Faking licenses for various professions will be even more effective. Pretend to be a surgeon and you’ll get to stab into people’s bodies! Pretend to be a chiropractor and touch strangers! Pretend to be a lawyer and get drunk with the judge before a trial! Lies are awesome and cool. What bold words did I start this paragraph with? Don’t actually do that, just lie. People love to be lied to, it lets them know you’re smart and a rebel.
Suck dicks. During a job interview, offer oral sex to the interviewer. They’ll hire you on the spot becaise it shows you are a team player. This won’t work with a woman; they hate oral sex and will have nothing to do with it. If you already have a job, make sexual comments to your manager, such as, “I’ll put your penis in my mouth if you give me a promotion,” or “Fuck me in the ass like the stupid slut I am.” All managers secretly want to fuck every one of their employees. All the most famous actors and even the president got their jobs by putting penises in their mouths, either of producers or corporate donors. Selling cocaine, getting a degree, and sucking dicks are literally the only ways to get a high paying job. Also, spruce up your scent with farts, not cologne.
Posted in: Public Service Announcements