Human beings suck ass, unless they’re you. If you’re normal, you have a burning desire to sadistically harm others for the sake of a good laugh. Getting pleasure from the pain of others is what makes humans great. Therefore, being completely insane in both public and private will make good things happen. Don’t think about consequences before you do these things. Fuck with people! People have criticized my writing by asking, “Who does this appeal to? Nobody’s going to want to read this.” There’s literally no point to any of the following.
If you’re waiting in line somewhere, say to take a piss test for your probation, or at the bank to withdraw the last of your money to buy more drugs, you have a captive audience to inflict your destructive urge upon. One of the things you can do is bring shit with you, keeping it in your pocket or purse. You should put it in the microwave before you leave your house so it will smell extra strong. At a strategic time, drop it on the floor. Then, while pointing at the shit, shout, “Dookie!” Pick it up and hurl it at someone’s face. Flee the scene of the crime.
If you’re doing drugs with someone, or just partying with some underage teenagers and getting drunk, you have an excellent opportunity to fuck with people. A classic tactic is to pretend to leave, then later knock on the door loudly and yell, “Police! Open up!” But this does not go far enough. Of course, you could call the cops and actually get them arrested, which is pretty funny because it might ruin their life.
But I have an even better idea. You need to dress up as a police officer yourself, wearing one of those fake mustache/glasses/nose things to hide your identity. Make sure you have handcuffs. Then you’re going to want to use a real taser to taze them, then use real handcuffs to imprison them. After that, tell them they’re under arrest and scream at them to confess. This will confuse them because they’ll know it’s you. They may beg for you to stop, but have no mercy. Put them in the back of your car, tazing them further if they continue to resist. Don’t stop screaming at them about how they’ll be raped in jail. Take them to the police station and dump them out front. Here’s the twist: they’re going to report you for torture, kidnapping and impersonating a police officer. That’s the real joke here, that all you did was abuse someone and will most likely go to prison for it. Fuck with people.
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