Which kind of bear is best to have sex with? Although polar bears, grizzly bears, and panda bears all offer their own rewarding challenges, I believe that the fat, hairy, gay man is the best bear to have one’s penis inside of. Although human anuses are less hairy, the penis can be placed inside of its mouth, whereas the larger bears would tear the cock off with their sharp teeth and powerful jaws. “Gay sex is like wrestling, only with more jizz,” Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson often says. Wrestling a grizzly bear may be harder and more dangerous, but cumming in their buttholes makes it all worthwhile. But as fun as it is to rape a thousand-pound monster as it roars in pain and terror, the best feelings of all come from giving pleasure to another man.
My cock has been in a lot of men’s mouths. Staring into a man’s eyes while he deep-throats and feeling his beard tickle your balls… I got hard just by writing that sentence. A specific kind of bear trap is used on humans: tight pants that show off your penis and ass. I walk around a gay bar, swinging my hips, and I’m always accosted by men offering to buy me drinks. These bears come to me. Clever conversation and not-so-subtle hints that I’m DTF are usually enough to get my dick and eventually cum inside these human bears.
Panda bears seem cute and cuddly, until you’re trying subdue them in order to force-fuck them. One would think that after chewing on bamboo all day, they would be more comfortable around hard cylinders. Not so. Unfortunately they are an endangered species, so they are difficult to find in the wild. That is why I break into zoos at night. I know from visiting these zoos the next day that the pandas I jizz in become very asocial the next day. I feel guilty, but not guilty enough to stop doing it. The large intestine of the panda bear is especially soft and warm, and I challenge any skeptic to try fucking a panda, then tell me that they disagree.
The grizzly bear can put up the best fight of them all. They are strong and they will eat you. Therefore, the best time to make love to a grizzly bear is while it’s hibernating. You’ll have to find one that is sleeping with its anus exposed, these giant mammals are to heavy to roll over. Use lubricant to increase the likelihood that the bear will not wake up while you shove your shaft into it and thrust, causing the lips of the anus to massage your penis until it vomits. If it wakes up, run away, it will be groggy and unable to catch you. It’s not every day that you find good sex this easily.
The polar bear is the hardest one to access, and because of the freezing temperatures, the hardest one to fuck. Your dick will be shriveled and skinny, you know how it gets that hourglass shape where it’s super thin in the middle and it looks really gross. Polar bears are fucking fighters, but your many layers of clothing should protect you from the swipes of its claws. However, always make peace with your god before you attempt this. Don’t even bother if they’re near water, they’ll swim away and then you’ll have blue balls after getting all excited to have sex with an animal.
While good feelings on the penis are to be had with all four of these classes of creature, the bears that will not try to murder you when you try to anally rape them are your best bet. This means the fat, hairy, gay men that you find in certain clubs and bars. If you have molly/ecstasy then getting your dick shitty will be even easier. This is not to discourage you from pursuing the adrenaline rush that comes with fucking a giant animal. It’s just that the tender loving experience that comes with aggressively pounding the ass of a human bear is the most rewarding of all.
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