Hello, my name is Michael Ericson, and I am your new leader. I was addicted to dextromethorphan for six years, Robitussin, the red devil, whatever you want to call it. Today I am one year sober! When I tell people I used to drink entire bottles of cough medicine, they often say, “WHAT? I have trouble drinking one little spoonful of that nasty shit.” I’m not going to teach you how to drink cough medicine without tasting it, just believe me when I say I knew how. I got free cough medicine from CVS, Meijer, Target, Dollar Tree, Rite-Aid, Holiday Market, gas stations, Walgreens, Walmart, Kroger, and probably other places too. It was free because I would insert it into my pants in the penis area and swagger out like I just had a large rectangular dick. “America is a free country and I interpret that literally,” I would often say.
I had a very delusional mindset. I believed that one day everyone in the world would be getting high on cough medicine. “Robitussin is the future,” I proudly proclaimed on many occasions. I planned on taking over the world and making drug use mandatory. I would put Robitussin in the drinking water. I still plan on taking over the world and technically already have, but I will not make you take showers in cough syrup, I promise. I though I was Jesus, yet also thought the first Jesus was a liar and I was the real messiah come to lead the Jews to victory by destroying all nuclear weapons and shooting all the money into outer space so that it could no longer corrupt humanity. This was insane because the Jews love money and would not consider me their messiah; the same way they denied Jesus because he said, “Sell all thou hast and distribute the money amongst the poor.” This was actually the only reason Jesus died; he told the Jews not to hoard their wealth anymore. Anyway, I don’t want to die like a bitch, nailed to wood. Sobriety has taught me that nobody would even bother to crucify me.
Cough medicine was my life. I would go to the dollar store and get Mucinex DM and wash down the big chalky pills with unlimited free soda from McDonald’s. By the way, the secret password for free soda is, “Cup for water.” I had sayings like, “Delsym is the champagne of cough medicine,” and “The taste of grape Delsym reminds me of Italy.” When I stuck a box of tussin in the back of my pants, under the belt above the buttcrack, when I walked the tussin would wag back and forth like a dog’s tail. This was the highlight of my life: bottles of cough medicine. Drinking it made music sound like God was cumming in my ears. I was invincible to pain and could not ejaculate no matter how hard I tried. When I closed my eyes I saw colors and I thought I was psychic. To this very day, puking still makes me feel high. I high five people after they puke. Robitussin!
Drinking Robitussin on a weekly basis, or sometimes more often, caused gigantic holes to form in my brain, and made an MRI taken of my brain look like a piece of swiss cheese. After a year of abstaining from drinking entire bottles of cough medicine, which is harder to stop doing than you might think, my brain is finally growing back into these holes. This has made me more powerful and will ensure that I will ascend to pure power more rapidly. Soon I will have complete dominance of your life and there is nothing you can do about it. You’ll like it though, we’ll have fun.
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