Today’s horoscope for Sagittarius: Fuck you for breaking my heart.
Today’s horoscope for Cancer: You may be tempted to avenge your father’s death from cancer by going into a hospital and pissing on doctors’ shoes. Dont! Go downtown and fight homeless people instead. They deserve anything bad that happens to them.
Today’s horoscope for Taurus: A wise monk once said, “Look at the stars for too long, and it will be day-time.” You only have so long to achieve your dreams. Stop living like a pussy and be an asshole to strangers. Push them around, tell them to fuck off, and get mad at them for getting mad at you. Soon you will be a community leader.
Today’s horoscope for Libra: You actually look really sexy while you’re pooping. Find a way to monetize this. Your talent for abusing Adderall will serve you well in your workplace. And don’t forget, it’s always a good idea to have sex for money!
Today’s horoscope for Gemini: You fucking liar. You pretend to be nice and you act charasmatic, but you actually hate people and only thing you care about is getting fucked by big dicks. Give your mother a call, she wants to hear from you! She loves you very much.
Today’s horoscope for Capricorn: You have God given powers and are superior to all your fellows. Tell others that you talk to Jesus and he says Bowser is trying to conquer the world by spraying his green turtle cum on everyone’s faces. Then show them your knife and say you need all their money to stop him. Pro tip: take them to an ATM, so they can’t just cancel their cards!
Today’s horoscope for Aries: Today is a good day to get high and drunk in a church parking lot. Be sure to tell any evangelists that you have a God already and His name is Satan. Try to convert them instead, by offering them free drugs!
Todays horoscope for Aquarius: You have been apprehensive about prostituting yourself to pay your rent or mortgage. However, you may find you enjoy fucking strangers for money and you will certainly make new friends. Shit in a bucket and call it your pet. Name it something quirky.
Today’s horoscope for Leo: The people you’ve been paying to fuck your wife or girlfriend have been stealing from you. But money isn’t everything. You can’t put a price on making your woman happy and having something entertaining to jack off to.
Today’s horoscope for Pisces: Someone has been pissing in your mouth while you sleep. Stop sleeping and keep yourself awake all night by watching brutal fucked up porn where people die.
Today’s horoscope for Scorpio: It won’t be long before you lose everything you love. Unless you turn your life completely over to Jesus, you will contract genital warts and lose your job. It’s time to start puking after every meal, for health purposes.
Posted in: Horoscopes