Horoscopes

Sep 5, 2016 | | 1 comment

The REAL traits of each horoscope sign: don’t get your astrology from anywhere else, you can’t be sure it’s accurate!

Aquarius: You are extremely afraid of water to the point that you will not shower, wash your hands, or drink it. You drink alcoholic beverages instead, but you are fooling yourself because these contain water. You lie to yourself about a lot of things, especially your appearance, perhaps hiding it with eye-liner and pushup bras. If you are a man, you have a small dick, which you over-compensate for by talking too loudly. Your dry skin and chapped lips hideous. Please put on some lotion and chapstick.

Pisces: You are addicted to conflict and will attack strangers, both verbally and physically. You are also addicted to drugs or alcohol or both. You are fiercely protective of your friends and family, which is why you keep them in a cage in the basement. You hurt the ones you love and attempt to apologize by offering back massages, but people refuse because you do them too hard and it hurts. You smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, often in restaurants or libraries and places like that, and when you are asked to leave, you refuse, claiming, “This is America.”

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Smoke Marlboro and you can be the next black president

Aries: You have a lot of sex, but mainly only with drunk people whose judgement is impaired. You take naked pictures of them while they sleep and sell them on the internet. Afterwards you sneak out of their bed and steal their wallet and toothpaste. You spend too much money on eating out and that’s why you are broke dumbass. You desperately need to go to therapy and confess your sins or you might explode but are too afraid of being judged. You enjoy anal sex most of all, even though that’s where people are supposed to poop out of, and nothing else.

Taurus: You drink a lot of Red Bull and therefore have to piss constantly. This is damaging your relations with your loved ones. You are charismatic and people follow you around even when you don’t want them to. They climb into your window while you are asleep and patiently await your awakening so that you may tell them how to live their lives. You used to call the police, but now they don’t come anymore because they have lost interest. So you give people terrible advice and it ruins their lives, marriages, careers, etc. They keep coming back.

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Kim Il-Sung is a Taurus. He never asked to be president of North Korea!

Gemini: You are an absolute piece of shit. You talk shit about people behind their backs, have sex with people’s wives, sell heroin to teenagers, and wipe your ass with pages of the Bible. You shit in other people’s toilets and don’t flush. You start forest fires in defiance of the talking bear. You lied to your doctor about having anxiety in order to get Xanax, then exchanged it for oral sex from addicts. Fuck you.

Cancer: You will die from cancer.

Leo: You are afraid of everyone. You spend a lot of time trying to avoid conflict and also sunlight. When anyone criticizes you, you cry about it later so hard that it hurts your head and that makes you cry even more. You never get naked because you are afraid of discovering that your penis or vagina has mysteriously disappeared, so you have been wearing the same underwear for years. Loud noises make you scream in terror, which is itself a loud noise, which makes you scream again. Like the crying, this can go on for hours. People think you’re weird.

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It’s actually just a guy in a costume, not a real lion that can stand straight up and talk

Virgo: You lost your virginity to someone you now hate. When you have sex now, it is to get back at your parents for not believing in you. They still don’t believe in you and have disowned you because you are a homosexual. This turns you on. You have a dildo with a sticky bottom that can attach to things. You hurl your dildo against the wall and it sticks. You call yourself the dildo ninja.

Libra: You spend a lot of the time at the library reading books about how to read books. You went to college to learn, not drink beer and have sex. Your penis is very small, or your boobs are very small, and this helps you to focus on your studies. For whatever reason you don’t like contact lenses, which is why you look kinda funny, until people get used to you. You are in desperate need of a tan, because people think you are a ghost. They throw things to check if you are solid, or perhaps because you are a nerd. You just let them do it and don’t say anything.

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Now I feel like I need to lose weight.

Scorpio: You always get your way and take this for granted now. Little do you know you will soon be in prison.

Sagittarius: You always seem to be caught off-guard when someone gives you bad news. That’s why you stabbed holes in your eardrums so that you couldn’t hear any bad news. Jokes on you though, now people write the bad news on a piece of paper and show it to you when you least expect it. You are very spiritual and this makes others uncomfortable. You talk to them about God and they try to change the subject. You worry about them. They don’t notice.

Capricorn: You will be a very successful amateur porn star. Sign up to be a webcam model immediately and masturbate in front of strangers while begging them for money. Don’t worry about what your family will think, they will always be proud of you. You will make $5000 for a single anal scene where your butt-hole gets stretched wide and use this to take a pleasant vacation in Mexico while you wait until you can sit down without screaming.

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Posted in: Horoscopes

One Response

  1. Happy one year! And thanks for posting the musings on wr&80ngi#t23i;for the past year, I have been really struggling between work and fiction. And I am losing the battle. Work is sucking the lifeforce out of me.I hope you and your friends keep up YOUR writing. Don’t let ‘em steal your creative soul!

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