Let’s face it: we’re all empty inside and need the approval of others to fill the gaping void that is our soul. Here is how to be cool. If people like you, it’s almost like your life has meaning. Therefore, you should dedicate lots of time and energy to making people think you’re interesting and sexy. Remember, how others perceive you is all you have and all you are. Act cool and you’ll be cool, and then everything will be okay. Your new leader (me) commands you to be cool.
Smoke cigarettes. This is self-explanatory. However, I will still explain it. Cigarettes cause cancer, a disease that many movie stars and famous people have had. Even the dad of Kardashians had cancer, and it turned him into a woman, then he got put on the cover of magazines. Therefore, if you get cancer, you will be put on cover of magazines. However, cigarettes are too slow. If you want to be cool and get cancer, you will have to make out with a cancer patient to catch their cancer. Then you will die. You are so cool!
Sex. If you have sex then you are officially cool as a cucumber. The best way to get sex is to pay for it. Go to the nearest shitty motel and approach the counter with a fistful of crumpled one dollar bills. Ask the receptionist where all the fine bitches at. Crap, that didn’t work. Buy a room and then go on backpages. Order a hooker and have her jump on the bed and make moaning noises. Everyone in the other rooms will think you are having sex and talk about how cool you are.
Smoking weed is the coolest thing ever. However, weed is illegal and you don’t want to go to jail for drugs. Therefore, just act like you smoke weed. Wear Bob Marley t-shirts and tie-dye stuff. Talk about weed and getting high constantly. If you have a job, ask your boss where the kine buds are at. Then smoke a doobie with him and get a promotion. Yayyyyy weed.
How to be cool? Commit crimes and go to jail. Then everyone will say Free (your name)! on Facebook. The best crimes to commit are the ones against the elderly. Niggas will know you savage af when you break into a senior center and rob all them old bitches of they Vicodin and hard candy. By the way, saying “nigga” is just about the coolest thing you can do, especially if you are white and in the presence of the blacks. When you get the Vicodin, get high on it and say cool words like “YOLO” and “fershneezshy”. Then the cops will arrest you. People will think about you while you are in prison, and think about how cool you are, even if they never visit or call.
Drink alcohol constantly. It’s how to be cool! Alcoholics are super cool, especially to young people. When you get drunk, you are automatically super cool, and if anyone says otherwise, follow them home and shit on their front doorstep. Now, when you are getting drunk, preferably in a bar, before every shot you should yell, “YOLO” as loud as you can. then get handsy and start grabbing ass, be it male or female. When they kick you out of the bar, yell “Worldstar!” and pull your dick our vag out.
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