The best job you could possibly have is to be a drug dealer. No other job in the world earns a higher income and gets more respect from the community. Your new leader commands you to quit your job and start selling drugs! There are risks, but if you’re smart and follow my guide, there is a 0% chance of there being any consequences. The best drugs to sell are heroin, cocaine, and various prescription pills. Make yo momma proud and bring her home some real money!
The most important rule of drug dealing is to get high on your own supply. This is especially true if you are selling the best drug of all: heroin. (AKA dog food AKA delicious cum) When you are high on heroin, you are invincible. It is impossible to die for at least four hours after shooting up dog food. Selling heroin is great because you are distributing a product that the consumers love. They just can’t get enough of their wonderful heroin! The money is great because demand is always high. To get more customers, go to public places such as a library or McDonald’s and announce that you are handing out free samples of delicious cum. Put your phone number on every bag! Snort some yourself as you serve the interested crowds, and be sure to smile when you do. God loves heroin dealers!
Cocaine is highly addictive and fun for the whole family. Snorting the cocaine you’re selling will give you more energy to sell cocaine, so nature is practically commanding you to make money this way. Even if you’re selling to seasoned addicts, you can offer some advice to most. Tell them that if they’re just going to snort the cocaine, they might as well throw it in the street and watch it blow away. They need to shoot it up! If they do so, five minutes after they shoot up the last of their supply, their skin will be crawling and the worms in their ears will be screaming at them to go get more. No matter how your customer uses cocaine, they’ll be desperate to purchase more of your product. Don’t be discouraged if they come knocking at your door at 3 A.M. offering to sell you their kids for a few lines; take that trade and put those little buggers to work selling cocaine!!!
Prescription pills are great to sell because you can get them at a very low price if you have health insurance. Just send your grandma or another old person to a bunch of doctors. Have grandma say, “Ohhhhh my Nixon, my pancreatitis is sore as the dickens today.” The doctor will prescribe powerful opiates! You can tell grandma to say, “I’m anxious about my friends dying because they’re old and they die all the time.” Boom, Xanax. There are plenty of lowlifes who will spend exorbitant sums on pills like these, even though they need that money for rent, or to buy a car they’ll never have because they’re stupid and do Xanax. But YOU can buy that car!!!
When you are selling drugs, there are two major risks: being arrested and being robbed. The police are after drug dealers because they are jealous of how cool they are. To avoid being arrested, wear sunglasses so nobody can see how high you are, and wear a suit and watch. Keep your drugs in a briefcase and if you encounter any cops tell them you are on your way to an important business meeting. If they raid your house and have guns pointed at you, point to your watch and say, “Oh boy, I sure am late!” Then take your briefcase and go. They will assume they have the wrong address. To avoid being robbed, be prepared to shit yourself at any moment. It’s best to daily laxatives when selling drugs for this reason. When a potential thief smells your shit, they will become aroused and spontaneously masturbate. When they cum (it should only take 10 seconds, because the human brain so strongly associates poop with reproduction) they will realize that they love you, and start taking you on dates.
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