How to Deal With A Breakup

Feb 16, 2017 | | Say something

Once upon a time, I had a wonderful girlfriend. We hung out all the time and did activities together, including sexual ones. But now we has broke up, and I lost my best friend and someone who really enjoyed touching my penis. In dealing with this tragic loss, I have discovered many ways to deal with a breakup and to make oneself feel better after losing a boyfriend, girlfriend, or imaginary-gender-friend.

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I wish I had someone to give the other half of my cookie to…

The number one way to deal with a breakup is alcohol. It will make you forget your problems and then they will be gone forever. Alcohol has absolutely no downsides and makes you less likely to find a new relationship, sparing you the pain of a future breakup. Drink to excess and then call your ex while crying, blubbering, and bitching about how it’s all their fault and will they please take me back. If they won’t, it means there’s something wrong with them, not you. If you’re shifaced drunk like you should be, you won’t have to internalize your faults and the mistakes you made. Learning is pain. Avoid it at all costs.

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Never change for nobody

The number two way to deal with a breakup is to pathetically try to have sex with women who aren’t interested in you. The best way to do this is over the internet. Browse social media sites like Facebook and Instagram, then message the girls whose pictures you most enjoy masturbating to. Ask them if they want to come to your house. If they don’t reply or tell you no, cuss them out. They’re clearly whores if they won’t have sex with you and you need to let them know that. You can also approach women in public, but due to the increased chance of success that comes with this method, it is best to avoid interacting with women in real life. This may lead to a new relationship, which will inevitably lead to a breakup, and you’ll have to start drinking heavily again.

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Bonding

The number three way to deal with a breakup is through genital mutilation. Castrate yourself or have your clitoris surgically removed. ¬†Castration can be done cheaply by members of the underground gay BDSM community. Being castrated is sexually appealing to some. Use this to your advantage to get free drinks and dick. As for clitoral removal, go to one of the many African and Middle Eastern countries where this is still practiced. Marry yourself into slavery to one of the locals and enjoy your life of poverty and joyless sex. You’ll never have to worry about getting a job because it’s against the rules.

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I wanted to put a genital mutilation related picture here but I’m writing this at Tim Horton’s

 

 

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