Hi, I am Morthrod, your new leader. Obey me and you will prosper. Sadness is a thing we all experience from time to time. But there are periods when sadness is a constant companion, like a little demon that follows you around and pokes your anus with its pitchfork. So, I will now give you wisdoms on how to get past your depression. Make those bad feelings your bitch and fuck ’em to the curb!
The first method to defeat depression is to channel your sadness into bettering yourself. For example, say you’re upset because you don’t sleep with random strangers enough. Turn the sadness into anger at yourself for not working hard towards your goal. Beat yourself up about it. Think, “Wow, I can’t even have unprotected sex with drunk people at a bar. I want so badly to be a total slut. If I don’t get this done soon, then I’m a total failure.” Then make a plan on how to trick a drunk girl into fucking you, perhaps by pretending you have money, or offering her free Ecstasy. Try your best, and don’t hesitate to lie. If you fail and she refuses your free drugs and sees through your idiotic charade, hate yourself, make a new plan, and try again.
The second method to defeat depression is to get people to do things for you, or benefit from their pain in some way. Not only will good things happen to you, but you’ll also be passing your sadness to someone else. That depression has to go somewhere. Make your problems someone else’s problems. If you have self-esteem issues, you could ask a friend for a favor, like loaning you $40. After you get the money, begin insulting them regularly and pointing out their faults. Say, “You’re stupid,” or “People don’t like you.” Insulting others will make you feel powerful. When they start asking for you to pay them back, laugh in their face and say, “You fool. I always hated you. My plan all along was to use you for your money, then leave you hanging.” Have pepper spray on hand and spray their face. Then run away. If something like that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, then nothing will and you might as well stop trying.
Benefiting from another’s pain can take many forms. Stealing always made me feel great. You have to find what works best for you. But the formula is simple: Make someone else sad, and you will be happy.
The third method to defeat depression is to kill yourself.
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