You might be wondering what new year’s resolution to make. Most people forget about their resolution within 6 weeks of making them, so the best resolution is the one that is easy to remember, or one that can be done in 6 weeks. The simplest resolutions are the best. Since I am a super genius I will give a very limited list of options for your resolution and you can pick from those. Happy New Year! My girlfriend will probably be reading this, so: “Hi! I love you! God, you’re so beautiful, you make the other girls look like they have Down’s syndrome.”<3 😉 =)
Resolution 1: Stop masturbating every day.
I understand. Touching your penis (or vaginal snatch) is basically the best thing ever. Porn is free and getting in a fight with your penis while watching strangers have sex for money like whores is a great way to mass murder your sperm. But with every orgasm comes a massive release of dopamine, which means less dopamine to motivate you to accomplish tasks later. Therefore, you should stop masturbating every god damn day. To reinforce this, for every day you don’t masturbate, give yourself a Vicodin (or four). If you’re strict about it, soon you will want the Vicodin more than you want to masturbate!
Resolution 2: Experiment with homosexuality.
I know, I know. You’re probably afraid of having a dick in your ass, or a creepy lesbian chick falling in love with you. But a billion homos enjoy it and that means you can too. Stimulating genitals feels the same whether it’s a man or a woman doing it. What if you had your eyes closed? There would be no way to tell if it was a dude or a girl sucking your dick or eating your pussy! Plus, if you do gay shit, people will think you’re cool. This is a fact. Ask your friends if they want to have sex with you and don’t take no for an answer, drugging them if necessary. After you fuck their ass with your dick or strap-on, they will thank you with their tears. (If you do this to a friend and it isn’t same sexual, it’s a crime and wrong.)
Resolution 3: Learn how to cook (meth).
The demand for methamphetamine is growing every day and it’s time for you to get in on this booming market and claim your piece of the pie. Methamphetamine is incredibly easy to cook: all you need is Nyquil, batteries, ammonia and formaldehyde. Put the batteries in the microwave to melt them. Mix the melted batteries with the other ingredients in the bowl and be sure to savor the sweet-smelling fumes it creates. Congratulations. Meth! Practice makes perfect; don’t expect it to not be a poisonous mess the first time you make it.
Resolution 4: Quit your job.
Most people never feel the great sense of accomplishment that comes with abandoning a job that they desperately needed to keep to pay the bills. Do some weird shit when you quit. Tell your boss that you filmed him having sex with his wife and will sell him a copy for $20. Or shit in the food that’s served to the customers. No matter what your financial situation, I highly recommend you quit your job in 2017 so you can find yourself. Hint: try looking in the mirror.
Resolution 5: Learn how to love again.
Sure, your heart has been broken over and over again. The guy/girl was an asshole, or just in it for the sex, or made you a cuckold. But that’s all in the past, unless you’re still stalking them. Find someone new to love, preferably on Tinder or fuckbook.com. Be ready to get pukey drunk and put out. When you have sex with someone, they fall in love with you and will be yours forever. Don’t use protection. It implies a lack of trust. For the first six weeks of 2017, have sex with anyone, regardless of age or appearance.
Posted in: Public Service Announcements