Once upon a time there was a man named Jack. He ate rabbit shit Raisin Bran for breakfast every day. As in he picked out the raisins and put rabbit shit in instead. This was the only meal he ate because after that he was high on amphetamines all day, which he was addicted to because his moronic and borderline abusive parents put him on it when he was nine years old because he was slightly different from the other children. He was six feet tall and weighed 75 pounds. His dick was shriveled and puny at most times, although when it became erect it was angry, red, and large. He had long black hair and a face that made him look like a young Voldemort, very handsome but also snakelike with slits for eyes. His freckles made him look like Scooby-Doo too. Jack’s catch phrase was, “Kill yourself with drugs.”
Jack tried hard to live by his motto. He drank a gallon of Miller Lite a day in order to be able to sit still in class. He was studying to become a janitor because he loved the smell of shit and bleach. He enjoyed cumming on women’s faces, saying “It’s a dominance thing.” Jack fought stray dogs as a hobby. He rarely won. While he was growing up his grandma beat him with a rolling pin to prevent him from masturbating to the pictures of Martha Stewart in her cooking magazines. Jack tripped on acid sometimes and while doing so once tried to break his legs with a rubber chicken in order to gain disability benefits, which he intended to use to buy double-ended dildos for his fat black girlfriend to shove in her ass and vagina at the same time.
He taught music at Asstits Music Academy. He showed mentally challenged teenagers how to remove the strings from a guitar and then use them to slice worms in half, ones that he collected off of the sidewalk right after rainstorms. Then he would giggle with glee as the worms continued to survive and move around, and his students were amazed at the powers of science and nature. Then he would blow up used condoms that he had used with an AIDS infested hooker he was in love with and twist them into the shape of giraffes, bunnies, and Nighthawk helicopters.
Whenever Jack saw a homeless man, he would ask him how much it was for sex. No matter what the reply, Jack would say, “That’s outrageous. I’ll just jack off and jizz in the socks I’m going to wear the next day.” Then he would walk away in a huff. Jack enjoyed getting drunk in abandoned alleyways and robbing crackheads at knife-point. The crackheads had little worth stealing, so Jack usually just had them take off their clothes and spin their dick around like the blade of a helicopter. Then he would insult them on their looks, which made him feel prettier and better about himself. He would pour gasoline in garbage cans and light them on fire and roast moldy hot dogs over them, but he couldn’t eat them because he was too fucked up on Adderall.
Jack hated transgender people, because he was jealous of their courage. He tried to wiener tuck, but he could never quite get it right, and this made his prejudice even worse. When transgender people introduced themselves, he would ask them what the real name was, and if they told him he would call them a liar. But at night sometimes Jack would go out to gay bars wearing a bra stuffed with tissue papers and unsuccessfully attempt to get muscular men to buy him drinks. When they refused he would scratch them with the fake nails he had put on in the men’s room after washing his hair in the toilet water using the bathroom soap as shampoo.
When Jack was feeling wacky he would tie rubber bands around his balls and go to senior homes and ask for free bran muffins. If he was refused this simple request, he would pull out his purple oxygen-deprived balls and present them as the explanation of his request, “Please kill me I am in so much pain.” They would invariably refuse to do so, and Jack would attempt to spit on them, but nobody had ever taught him to spit properly so he pretty much just dribbled saliva down his chin. He would take the oxygen tanks and masks of dying old people and inhale deeply, living life to the fullest. The nurses would have to run around cleaning up the mess he left behind, saving many lives that Jack had threatened via his oxygen addiction. Then later they would gossip about how attractive Jack was and get naked in groups and finger themselves to the memory of Jack’s large purple balls and devil-may-care disregard for human life.
In the classroom, Jack was a nuisance. He always reeked of air freshener because he used it as cologne, and this caused those sitting nearest to him serious respiratory problems and nasal irritation. He would make paper airplanes that couldn’t fly properly, which was embarrassing. He called the teacher either Mr. Cunt or Mrs. Cunt, although sometimes a female teacher was unmarried, making this manner of address highly inconsiderate. Jack smoked cigarettes in class too, ashing on his assignments, making them illegible. He passed all of his courses by giving his teachers large cash bribes. He made this money by stepping on crackers and oranges barefoot while on webcam while men from around the world watched and masturbated.
The best thing you could say about Jack is that when he set his mind to something he got it done. It was impossible to determine whether this was due to his character or the 150mg of Adderall he consumed on a daily basis. One day Jack decided to run a marathon, and drove to the finish line in record time, killing or permanently disabling several top-tier athletes. He would have experienced remorse had he not been so drunk, this time on hand sanitizer mixed with Diet Coke. When he got out of his car after winning the marathon the police immediately surrounded him, but he smooth-talked his way out of trouble by explaining that he was the only person with the power to prevent the nuclear apocalypse and putting him in jail would endanger the world and also Africa.
Posted in: Shortened Stories