I am very proud of you all for the “Not My President” movement. Of course, the aspect of Michael Ericson being your true president is lacking, but you’re close enough for not being as smart as me. Yes, Donald Trump is a jackass and obviously not qualified to be president. This is the problem with democracy: when the people choose, they choose wrong. This is why we need Morthocracy, rule by the Morthrod. This is how I will replace various Donald Trump policies
Donald Trump policy 1: Fuck the Mexicans. I would replace this policy with a more mature and balanced “put Robitussin in the salsa” agenda. Cough medicine is the most addictive substance known to mankind, so soon all the Mexicans will be eating salsa all day instead of working hard doing Manuel labor. They will lay around listening to music all the time, sweating puddles to compensate for their inability to urinate (greatest drug ever).Then there will be jobs available for the white people. Unless they’re eating the salsa too.
Donald Trump policy 2: Touching women without permission. I used to do this in high school, but I am grown up now and know that it’s more efficient to get the girl to want them to touch you. Thusly, I will not be assaulting various vaginas with my grubby, greedy tiny hands. Women will be provided with tasers to defend them from rapists. Men can’t get raped, so that’s all good.
Donald Trump policy 3: Making fun of the handicapped. That was actually my favorite thing that he did.
Donald Trump policy 4: Muslims? Muslims?!? ARRRGGGGGHHH. The Morthrod doesn’t give a shit if you like to wear a funny hat or pray in a certain direction. Terrorists aren’t real and 9/11 was an inside job. We will be taking in ALL of the Syrian refugees, and they will be put to hard work building my tomb, which will be like the Pyramids only made out of metal and in the shape of a penis and balls. I will pay them in Jolly Ranchers and colorful stickers, giving them a head start on making a new life in our country. ISIS will be sent videos of Americans singing songs about friendship, to bring cool moisture to their dry desert hearts. Also we’ll give them free ecstasy.
Donald Trump policy 5: Pretending global warming isn’t real. Thousands of species are going extinct and it’s fucked up. There’s a word for people who are out of touch with reality: insanity. Denying global warming is insanity. In my regime, there will be mass car confiscations. I will build you high speed rails and subway systems, so chill. Meat will be outlawed, because cow farts = melted polar ice cubes. I will replace your meat with a middle finger and a lecture about how critters have feelings. You will all be forced to plant trees for at least a few hours a week.
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