Whether you’re a man or a woman, I believe that you are under-utilizing the surest source of happiness that a human being has. Stimulating one’s own genitalia is a free and usually safe way to achieve a natural high that will make you forget about all those things people were depending on you to do. Merely attempting the following masturbation challenges will make you a more complete and emotionally balanced human being. So put down that Bible, and pick up your dick.
Ladies first, here are some interesting scenarios in which to stimulate your clitoris. As any self-respecting woman knows, you can keep a vibrator in your vagina in any public setting without anyone noticing. Get a vibrator that will stay in your pussy and not fall out. Then use it for five minutes every hour, for every single hour you’re awake. No way boring old dicks will get you off after that! If you really want to get freaky, try fingering yourself in one of the following situations. While you’re giving birth, stretch it out just a little more. When you’re on your period, scoop some of that ketchup out, spread it under your eyes and all over your cheeks like war paint, and scream at strangers. And while you’re throwing up to stay pretty, why not reward yourself for a job well done?
Men: the people who actually need to masturbate. Women do not contain little white fish with squiggly tails that are produced in the hundreds of millions and demand escape. Guys you don’t want to be creepy, but you also don’t want to have your hand away from your penis. Here are some great situations to jack off in, that will test your limits and make you stronger! Try fapping while driving through rush hour traffic. If you get in an accident, don’t stop! Beat your meat while taking a shit in a public bathroom, you might have to stroke like a piston though, my poop usually comes out in like 10 seconds. Jack off on an airplane, just use a blanket for “privacy”. Slather your dick in chocolate syrup and fuck a bowl of ice cream. Masturbate while riding your bike and jizz on your legs.
Ladies and gentleman, you should be masturbating every day, at least five times. Masturbate after every meal, also during every meal.Although men may experience such crushing fatigue that it ruins their lives and they lose their jobs and/or families, women should be absolutely fine. No wait, everything will be perfect for everyone. Now go fuck yourself.
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