The New New Testament 8

Aug 16, 2016 | | Say something

Jewsus spoke to his 12 most loyal and credulous followers, know as the Wizard Dragons. Throughout his speech he fondled his flaccid wiener, for he was a holy man, and never got to blow his load. So it felt extra super good when he fondled his flop. “Never be afraid of human beings. All that is clothed will become naked, and what people usually only show each other in their beds at night must be on full display throughout the day. Climb onto roofs and spin your cock around like the blades of a helicopter; this is called leading by example. Do not be afraid of those who can murder your body but not your spirit. Be very afraid of the Invisible Creator, who can murder your body and then torture you eternally in hell for his amusement. The Invisible Creator is a sadist, he enjoys punishing those far less wise then him for making understandable mistakes. Do not incur his wrath or he will have the devil will rape you with his spiky red cock. You can buy a giant gumball for a quarter, but who made those gumballs? God did! He has counted all the hairs on your head, which proves that you are more important than tiny birds, who have feathers instead of hair.” When Jewsus spoke the Wizard Dragons were always very impressed by his metaphors and his knowledge of things that nobody could prove. They were all quite eager to go buy one of God’s gumballs.

teen-devotion-youth-devotion-about-gumballs-following-gods-plan-for-your-life-520x315

God’s plan apparently included having the person who made this put a line going through the “s” in “God’s”

“For anyone pledges his obedience to me in front of his friends and family, I will tell the Invisible Creator to let him into the most awesome and sexy parts of Cloud Land. About anyone says mean things about me in front of others, I will say shitty things about to the Invisible Creator. He listens to me because I am very special. Then you will be sent to hell and drown repeatedly in the lake of flaming shit.” Scrotum Breath approached Jewsus and tried to kiss him, but Jewsus stepped back and pointed at this groin, so Scrotum Breath put Jewsus’s balls in his mouth for a moment. This was a symbolic gesture of submission, one intended to earn entrance into Cloud Land. All the Wizard Dragons came up to Jewsus one by one and did the same.

MaineFrame0713B-copy-600x403

Look happier when you have balls in your mouth!

“Don’t be mistaken, I didn’t come to bring peace on Earth, but rather bloody religious wars. The world is going to end in a nuclear apocalypse soon anyways, and this life is just a test to see if you’re worthy of living on a cloud, so terrible shit that happens isn’t as important as it seems. All that matters is that people believe in me and do what I say is the right thing to do. I returned to earth to fuck up people’s families. They should be abandoning them to follow me around. If a person doesn’t care about me way more than they care about anyone else, they don’t get to be in our club. Whoever lives their life will just die anyway, but those who die a violent and painful premature death in my name will live forever after they die. Literally fucking die for me. If you die for Jewsus you’ll live forever.” Jewsus was pleased to see that the Wizard Dragons looked eager to persecuted and tortured to death.

peterMartyrBellini

Man in bottom left receiving reward for his faith in Jesus Christ

“Any person who is nice to you and believes in your magic, believes in my magic. And whoever believes in my magic believes in the holy magic of the Invisible Creator, who told me to do and say everything I am doing and saying. Never forget that the Creator of the Entire Universe wants you to believe everything that I teach you. Everyone who is friendly and agrees with what you say is being friendly to the Invisible Creator, and good things will come to them. So make sure people understand that they should respect your authority. Always remember that anyone who gives free shit to one of my followers, no matter how ugly or smelly or stupid that follower is, will get twice as much free shit after they’re dead.”

10659409_567153230081016_2465507931789567596_n

This makes perfect sense

 

 

 

Your Leader commands you to share this post.Share on FacebookShare on RedditTweet about this on TwitterPin on PinterestShare on TumblrDigg thisShare on StumbleUponPrint this pageEmail this to someoneShare on Google+Share on LinkedIn

Posted in: Shortened Stories

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *