“I’m just trying to do my job, son. It’s imperative that I keep intoxicated drivers off the road. Since you won’t do my walking test, I suppose I’ll have to see how you drive first-hand. Get in the car, boy. We’re going for a ride.”
“Where are we going?”
“Wherever the hell I tell you,” Officer Balls replied. “You’re my chauffeur now, boy. Get in my car. By the way, what’s your name, son?”
“Cuckold McGee. But everyone calls me Cucky,” Cucky said sheepishly. He limped towards Officer Balls’ White Ford Taurus, gently holding his fried testicles out of a not entirely irrational fear that they might disconnect from their cords without proper support. On the side of the police vehicle was a design of Detroit from a distance, with its skyscrapers glowing gold in the dusk. Emblazoned on the upper right of this was “Detroit Police” in white letters. Attached to the front of the car was a black push bumper. Cucky felt excited to drive such a cool car, even though he was being taken hostage.
He got in slowly and carefully. Officer Balls hopped in on the other side. He held out a beer to Cucky, who shook his head. “I’ll tell you this right now, and I want you to remember it,” Officer Balls said, looking deep into Cucky’s eyes. Cucky’s heart fluttered and he was confused by this. He realized that Officer Balls had a striking resemblance to Woody Harrelson, with his strong jaw and bald head. “As long as you’re with me, you won’t get in trouble for jack shit.”
Cucky didn’t want to look like a nerd in front of Officer Balls, but he didn’t want to drink and drive and risk hurting others and himself. Then he realized shouldn’t care if Officer Balls was attracted to him or not. He thought, “Why am I thinking like that?” Cucky had never been attracted to a man before, but he was a BDSM enthusiast, especially fond of masochism. Perhaps that was the source of these strange yet exciting feelings.
He also realized that if he refused the beer, Officer Balls would become violent again. “Maybe I want him to, I can admit it,” he thought, “But I don’t want to lose my balls and Officer Balls has proven his propensity to target them.”
“You okay, Cucky? You been staring into space an awful long time,” Officer Balls pointed out. Cucky nodded and took the beer, which Officer Balls had popped open with a lighter. He chugged about half of it and put it in the cupholder.
“Where to?” Cucky asked.
“We’re heading into the worst areas of Detroit to take down some drug dealers and drug addicts, boy. They’re a menace to our society and I won’t have them destroying our community. I’ll give you directions.” Cucky drove for about twenty minutes as Officer Balls directed him. Officer Balls taught him how to switch on the sirens whenever there was a red light he could safely run. “As long as you’re with me, you’re the law now too,” Officer Balls smugly told Cucky. “Don’t worry a damn bit about the little people. We are the hammer in the right hand of God, destined to destroy all evildoers.”
Cucky pulled into a neighborhood with poorly maintained houses, overgrown lawns, and several boarded-up buildings. Officer Balls directed him to a house with an overgrown weedy lawn, where there were a suspicious number of cars parked out front. “This is it, Cucky. A den of sin. This is where the crackheads get their rocks off.”
Cucky parked on the opposite side of the street and held up his palm, telling Cucky to stay the same way you would a dog. He snuck over to the side of the house and hid in the bushes.
About twenty minutes went by. Cucky finished his beer and wanted to drink more, so he tried to open a beer bottle with a lighter the way Officer Balls had. Cucky somehow cut his hand on the sharp edge of the cap, causing his palm to bleed heavily. As he was sucking on his wound, Cucky saw a skinny white guy walk out the front door, looking back and forth with his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.
When the crackhead was just ten feet out of the door Officer Balls pounced. He used his tazer immediately, shooting it into the guy’s butt, who spasmed and fell to the ground. However, rather than put him in cuffs, Officer Balls then helped him to his feet and walked him to the car. Cucky heard him warn, “You make a run for it boy, and the next one goes in your nutsack. If you don’t give me no trouble, I won’t give you any either.”
Posted in: Shortened Stories