School fucking sucks. Everybody hates to learn, that’s just a fact. We need strategies to help us make it through the long goddman class periods, which we are forced to sit still during while our ears our raped with information we don’t want to learn. Nobody ever learned SHIT in school. Fuck school. Here’s how to pass the time in school while you’re bored to fucking death, except you can’t die and be freed from listening to your stupid fucking teacher, so you have to deal with the goddamn torture in any way you can.
Remember, this is war. Your teacher has no mercy on you, none of your classmates are faking a heart attack or vaginal explosion, so you gotta do what you gotta do. If you’re male, bring a blanket to class and put it on your lap. If anyone gives you shit, you know what to do. Pull your dick out and make yourself hard by poking your penis with a sharp penisil. Think about the elderly lunch lady and the cutest girl in your class getting it on. Use your dominant hand to write and pretend to do work with while you vigorously stroke your public erection. Feel free to use Vaseline or dog shit for lubrication. It’s okay to yell, we all do when we’re having a good time masturbating. Fuck it, scream. Scream and don’t stop screaming until you’re free from class forever! Jizz on whoever comes to take you away. This will require expert timing.
You gotta be a savage, don’t forget! Fake your own death to get out of class early. Wear a long-sleeved shirt and bring fake blood packets and a very dull razorblade. (One that won’t even cut you!) At the time of your choosing, but preferably early in class so you get the most time off, stand up, run to a far corner of the room, and yell, “Fuck life! I fucking hate being alive! I’m going to MURDER MYSELF AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.” Congratulations on your Emmy. Let them try to talk you out of it. Cherish the moment and the genuine drama. Then scream, “Fuck you! I want your last memory of me telling you all that I hate you!!!” Drag the razor blade vertically along the forearm on the outside of your long sleeve, crushing the blood packets. Fall on the floor and try not to giggle at the hilarious prank you just pulled.
The people taking a class are supposed to be a team. But they’ve allowed you to become bored, and now they must pay. Write mean notes to classmates and find ways to make sure they can’t be traced back to you. With women, you NEED to insult their appearance and intelligence. Tell them they’re fat no matter how skinny they may be. All women have distorted perceptions of their weight, exploit this. They’ll also respond well to ugly, more self-hatred for no reason that you’re just bringing to the surface. To men, tell them they have a small penis and you know because you’ve been hiding in their closet and masturbating to them masturbating. This will strike fear into the heart of the toughest man. Call a guy gay and then tell him you want to fuck him in the butt (for ladies, with a strap on) because he’s such a homo. Then send nudes to his Facebook later that night. This is also a great way to meet a boyfriend.
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