Save the World By Killing Yourself

Apr 28, 2016 | | Say something

Clearly, humans are the primary source of evil on the planet. You may not know this because you did not watch Earthlings. Well I did and that gives me the right to tell you what to do, for I am enlightened. Global warming is melting our planet’s ice cubes and soon our beverage will be very warm indeed. You contribute to this process every day by driving around, using paper, and farting. On a more serious note, cow farts are actually the primary source of global warming, most carbon emissions come from animal agriculture. If people keep grilling cheeseburgers, soon they will be the charred meat.

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The Great Barrier Reef is fucked, there’s not going to be so many fish left in 30 years, everyone in California will die of dehydration, yet people aren’t even offering sacrifices to the invisible gods. They desire for us to pray in front of candles we made out of our own penises and ask for forgiveness for our greed. But no, we keep our lights on all night because we are afraid of feminists wearing strap-ons and monsters with AIDS. That electricity comes from a power plant that burns dinosaur shit. Then the smoke goes in the sky and makes the clouds.

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A baby cloud is born!

The rise of humanity is a major extinction event in the Earth’s history. Biodiversity is plummeting; all the pretty pandas are being eaten by worms. Soon lions and tigers and bears will be as common as unicorns. When toxic waste is dumped in the ocean or a river, it does not just disappear. It continues to exist and poison critters who did nothing to deserve the tumors we give them. However there is a bright side to all of this: because we are the problem, we can also be the solution. If we all get together, agree that we are irreparably harming the planet, and form a global suicide pact, we can prevent this catastrophe of our own creation from escalating any further.

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Honestly, when it’s someone else telling me to do it, I just get pissed off. Especially a woman.

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Posted in: Public Service Announcements, Uncategorized

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