So Help Me, Sam

Jun 1, 2016 | | Say something

Samuel Walton founded Walmart and is accordingly worshiped as a god by his employees. At the beginning of every shift they must bow down and kiss the ground before a ten foot tall portrait of his face, the skin of which looks like dried fruit. Only then may they clock in for the honor of enriching his ancestors. The Waltons own 52% of Walmart stock and are worth over $100 billion. All Walmart employees, or “associates”, are informed during Indoctrination that Sam is “a very humble guy.” Sam ain’t shit but a pile of bones. He died in 1992.

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Sam founded Walmart in 1962 after a Satan visited him in a dream and told him to destroy America. The devil told him all he needed to do was make a store that could sell things cheaper than anywhere else, and his business would spread like herpes and nobody would have anywhere else to work, since all the other businesses would fail. Then he could pay single black mothers 50 cents an hour, so that they would have to go on welfare and food stamps, eventually bankrupting the government. Sam was hesitant, “I’m a good man and I believe in GodJesus.” Then Satan showed him how he could mix up the letters in Samuel Walton to make “Satan own mule”. Sam was converted immediately, the idea of owning people and using them as mules had always been his ambition, therefore he must be Satan incarnate.

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If the pigs were proportional, you would not be able to see the Walton’s pig, it would be microscopic.

In the employee lounge of Walmart, there is a life-sized full-body picture of Sam on the wall with a glory hole where the dick of Sam would be. Managers stick their small cocks through this hole, and employees must suck them off to keep their jobs. As there are no unions, it is much easier to be “terminated” at Walmart. Failing to smile and make eye contact with the customer is considered a symptom of disbelief in Sam’s divinity, and is punished with forced pubic hair eating. Hair is very difficult to eat. It won’t go down when you swallow, unlike the managers’ loads of cum.

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“I don’t care how old or ugly they are, you act like you’re happy to see them!”

Sam’s guiding philosophy as President of Walmart was, “Never let the peasants form a union.” Slave wages is a confusing term, as the definition of a slave is someone who gets no wages. However, for these employees who work their ass flesh off and still need welfare to survive, it makes perfect sense. Many people would use a time machine to go back and kill Hitler. I would go back and kill Sam Walton. Gross fat people could find somewhere else to shop.

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Posted in: Public Service Announcements

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