They don’t pay you enough. I don’t know where you work or what you do, but you are being exploited for your labor and earning far less than the amount of wealth you actually produce. Your employer is USING you, the very same way a pimp uses a flappy-vag prostitute, and you just keep your head down and take it, because that’s we’re all taught to do. The main reason people refuse to embezzle or take home goods from their workplace is fear of job loss. This is natural and rational. However, this fear will cause them to miss out on much good stuff and moneys. That’s why you must learn how to get away with it.
Thanks to years of severe cough medicine addiction, I have become an expert shoplifter, and have learned that the fear of being caught is actually the main obstacle to getting awesome free stuff, rather than any actual security measures. The cameras are mainly there for show in any store, because nobody reviews the footage and there’s rarely anyone watching them. Anyways, if you can’t see the camera, the camera can’t see you. This is called the blind spot. If you conceal merchandise or workplace supplies while in said blind spot, then there is no evidence against you that is admissible in court, as it is all circumstantial. So stick those scissors down your pants, steal the ink from the copy machine and drink it, and fear not.
Embezzlement. This can be tricky. If you’re a cashier then the amount of money that should be in the drawer is electronically tracked, and deficits often come out of your pay. Slow and steady wins the race when it comes to this. For cashiers, don’t ring up certain items, charge what it would have cost, and pocket the difference at a later time. As there is usually a display showing the customer the price, prey on the elderly and near-sighted, or use misdirection tactics like a magician or goat-worshiping politician. If you are in control of crucial money flows, being an accountant or manager, this will be far less risky, with patience of course. A few cents per transaction missing will not be noticed. Fuck your employer. Steal from them whenever possible.
Posted in: Public Service Announcements