The New New Testament 9

Aug 23, 2016 | | Say something

Jewsus gave his last and most important instructions of all to the 12 Wizard Dragons. “Spread the word, my most loyal followers, there are witches everywhere. They will often disguise themselves as old women, or even young women, and sometimes as dogs, cats, rocks or trees. A witch can turn herself into anything, and they are to blame for all sexually transmitted diseases, among many other evils. There’s only one way to test if someone is a witch. Tie every suspect to a lowercase “t” and pee on them, then throw them into the ocean. If they come back in with the tide and are still alive, they’re a witch, so chop them up and cook them and eat them to gain their strength. If they come back in with the tide dead, or if they are never seen again, they weren’t a witch, and you are murderers.”



“Watch out for ghosts! The devil is often on drugs and allows souls he is supposed to torture escape back to Earth. These ghosts open and close cabinets and windows at odd times, howl eerily on windy days, and fly out from behind corners to scare people. They want more than anything for people to see them, then tell others, and hide at that point so it seems like the person is crazy. Ghosts tickle your balls sometimes to make you ejaculate prematurely, which can be very embarrassing. The best way to deal with a ghost is to light candles. Ghosts fucking hate candles. They will fly away to go fuck with people with schizophrenia.”


If I wasn’t so horny I would have told that drunk girl on Friday that I didn’t give a fuck if she was hungry

The 12 Wizard Dragons nodded solemnly, and promised to tell people to do as Jewsus commanded. After giving his directions Jewsus left the Wizard Dragons to carry his message throughout all of America, and went to preach in the churches and bars that served good wine throughout the Midwest. When John the Bullshitter’s boyfriend in prison informed him of Jewsus going around telling people he was God, he smeared the tip of a pen that was out of ink into his shit and wrote Jewsus a stinky letter, saying, “Are you really the New and Improved Messiah? Prove it! Turn this poop into wine!”


Not relevant to the story

Jewsus did even better: he transformed every letter on the paper, and also the paper, and also the envelope as well. He wrote, “Those with broken dicks can fuck their dogs, the cancer-ridden have money for popsicles, the retarded change their own diapers, and people believe in miracles again. Cloud Land touches the Earth, it is a foggy day indeed. People who believe that I’m the messiah and do not question are so super stoked, you should try it!”

After writing this letter in invisible ink on invisible paper and then not sending it, Jewsus went to speak at an Insane Clown Posse concert, where he was sprayed with a solution of corn syrup and carbonated water by mimes who were very loud for mimes. “When you went to see John the Bullshitter,” Jewsus began, even though none of these people knew who he was talking about, “a quadriplegic doing backflips? Who did you go to see speak? A man with no dick fighting a zebra over who got to have sex with a dead tree? No, you went to see a prophet, which John the Bullshitter definitely was! Why do you question us who have no shoes and claim to speak for God?” This stumped the Juggalos, and they demanded answers by throwing rocks at Jewsus and demanding that he get off stage.



Jewsus continued speaking despite the crowd’s wish to hear the music that they had payed to hear. “Who can I compare this generation to? They are like goons in a trap house. They shoot up drugs, have unprotected sex, suck wieners for Xanax bars, and don’t flush the toilet after they pee. Then John the Bullshitter enters the house, and explains to them why being a drug addict is a waste of their lives. So they say, ‘You’re a fucking narc! Get the fuck out of here!’ and they threaten them with knives so that he must leave. Remember, you noisy mimes, the feeling you will get in Cloud Land is far more pleasurable than any drug you can snort, swallow, smoke, or inject. Your fancy phones and Netflix programs are your crack, and my words are the rehab you desperately need.” For whatever reason this still wasn’t appreciated, and a 300-pound man jumped on stage and physically carried Jewsus into the parking lot. The wisest men are always the least understood.


Fun fact: a hoe is a piece of farm equipment used to till the fields.

Posted in: Shortened Stories

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