If a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? The answer is yes, it screams and screams. Trees can feel pain, both emotional and physical. Opportunity is knocking at your front door, the one made out of dead trees. Heed its call and murder a lumberjack.
Sometimes, trees have weird knots in them that look like eyeballs. Also, plants made all the oxygen in the air. Without trees, you would never have been born, and now your blow your nose in and wipe your ass with their corpses. Dead trees are everywhere; you probably live in a box made out of them. When was the last time you hugged a tree and said thank you? Don’t be so ungrateful.
Humanity’s genocidal behavior towards trees is sure to have disastrous consequences. Trees eat carbon dioxide, a gas that traps heat in the atmosphere. If things continue the way they are, scientists predict we will all be on fire by 2045. Burn victims have great difficulties getting sexual partners. Stop using wood, paper, and cardboard products. Do it for your dick. Or vagina.
So your new lifestyle of a murdered-tree free existence will be highly inconvenient and borderline impossible. Wipe your ass with leaves instead, even if you pull them off the tree, it will be fine. Blowing your nose is an easy fix, simply hold one nostril shut with a finger and exhale hard, this is known as a snot rocket. Using a computer to write saves lives, but printing means you are an accomplice to genocide. When people scorn and ridicule you for this, you remember that you are a fucking hero. Inform doubters of your superiority. They will surely applaud you for your courage.