My name is Michael Ericson and I am better than all of you. That’s not an insult to you, that’s a compliment to me. You’re not bad, I just made you look bad. I created this website 20 months ago to give you my malevolent wisdom, AKA terrible advice, racism, and megalomaniacal nonsense. I’m like your God, understand, and you need to tell people to read my fucking website. So that we can get this shit ship up and running again, I’m going to give you several totally valid and reasonable suggestions on how to get people to visit yournewleader.com again, so that we can all laugh and learn and love and grow together. My website is all I have, and don’t tell my girlfriend I said that. (love youuuuuuuu)
First, you can simply tell people about my website. This isn’t that hard, but I’m sure you shameless cuckolds won’t do it unless I give you examples of what to say. You could approach a friend you are smoking a blunt with and say, “Hey, let’s go on yournewleader.com so that we can laugh and be merry.” Then he will be so distracted by my excellent writing that you can smoke the rest of the blunt by yourself.
Or you could say to your lover during sex, “Hey, I really like you a lot, but I’d rather be reading yournewleader.com than having sex with you. I’d love for you to join me, but if you won’t come, you can just sit in bed alone.” Well, nobody wants someone to choose a website over them, so they’ll come and read with you to make it seem like they aren’t heartbroken. Then, when they start reading my beautiful words, your lover will have the orgasm you could never give them.
The best thing to do to get people to go to my website is to make threats. You can tell your dog you won’t give him any more treats unless he regularly visits the blog. Or you can tell your spouse and children that you’ll abandon them unless they can pass an oral quiz about the latest posts at dinner time. I don’t want you to commit any crimes for me, but if you want to be a real sweetheart, you could stand on top of a tall building with a megaphone and act like you’re going to jump. Effectively, you can hold yourself hostage and implore the crowd to visit the website. “Go to yournewleader.com or I will fucking kill myself in front of all you fuckers. Life is a horny retard who has raped me to death.”
Credit Nietzsche for the quote about life being a horny retard who rapes us to death. So wise.
Posted in: Public Service Announcements