I am writing this from a combination Church’s Chicken and White Castle. I made a New Year’s resolution to be less racist, so I will simply say a person of unspecified racial origin misheard my order and repeated it back to me in such a thick Indian accent that I couldn’t understand it. Those who live in her home country would be horrified to know that she was cooking the corpse of the sacred cow. That’s not racist, it’s just true. Unless she’s from Pakistan, in which case it is extremely racist.
I’m not going to ask. Saying, “I couldn’t help but notice that it’s hard to understand what you say. I want to know, because I’m writing about you on my laptop over there, what your racial origins are. Just so I can make sure that I’m not being racist,” would sound terrible and possibly hurt her feelings. If I were reviewing this restaurant on Yelp, I would give them 5 stars, because I’m a good person.
The keys are getting greasy. God clearly wants me to succeed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have blessed me with such a tiny penis. My small cock frees me from distraction, allowing me to focus completely on my life’s work of being a gay porn critic. “Too much kissing!” I shout at the television, completely clothed, while taking detailed notes on every facial expression of the man being penetrated. Gay porn is an unhealthy business to be in. The penises are much too large to get fucked in the butt by safely.
Well, I guess it’s time to wrap this up, unlike the way my father failed to wrap up his penis in a condom when he ejaculated me towards my mother’s egg. I did not ask to exist, rather, the responsibility was thrust upon me. I should not have typed this while eating fast food fries. The future is bright and I hope that you will all get your shit together someday and be cool like me.
Posted in: Public Service Announcements