These apply to whatever day you read them and are 100% true, even if you think they aren’t.
Today’s horoscope for Scorpio: you have often been cavalier about eating expired food, but today you can avoid diarrhea by playing by the rules. People are talking about you behind your back, but if you accuse them of it without evidence, they will respect you again. Send nudes to strangers on the internet and you will regret it.
Today’s horoscope for Pisces: the energy of the universe flows through you. Too much energy, if you ask me. Drink alcohol and smoke weed all day to calm down. If you’re at work when you read this, or will be later today, fake sick by sticking your finger down your throat and puking. Then take pictures for proof and memories. Faking sick is also a great way to lose weight, if you do it every day!
Today’s horoscope for Taurus: Now is the time to start selling your body for drugs. Don’t hesitate. This window of opportunity will close when Mars enters the house of my Vagina. Start doing heroin and your priorities will change drastically. Prostitutes are very close to God. Invest in the stock market and you will become rich.
Today’s horoscope for Libra: You know you have the potential for greatness. However, there are plenty of great people already, and by becoming great you would take someone else’s spot. Be the bigger person and make no changes in our life and make no grand plans. Stay the course until you die. Ambition is overrated.
Today’s horoscope for Aquarius: You need to stop having sex forever. Bad things will happen to you if you continue to have functioning genitals. Castrate or mutilate yourself but be sure to be near a hospital when you do. You don’t know what you got, until it’s gone. Now is the time to learn what you got, by destroying your penis and/or vagina.
Today’s horoscope for Gemini: you have excellent powers of observation and you will need them today. Someone you care about will have something they need help with, but they are unwilling to bring up in conversation. Lean in close and squint your eyes at everyone, this will help you discover who you can help. If they get annoyed, ask them if there’s anything they want to get off their nipples.
Today’s horoscope for Sagittarius: a romantic interest of yours wants to have sex with someone else. Get mad at them, but don’t explain why, because that might be awkward. Masturbate to their pictures some more and fall asleep. You will have interesting dreams.
Today’s horoscope for Virgo: today is a good day to clean your dirty ass room. I don’t know what made you think it was okay to let it get this bad, but it’s fucking disgusting and you need to clean it NOW. A stranger will look at you and think about what you look like naked. They will want to molest you, but will be unable to summon the courage to ask you on a date.
Today’s horoscope for Leo: do you ever feel like you’re all alone? Soon someone will come along to change all that. Be a total slut to find true love. Be focused on giving or receiving anal, because that’s what your true love will be into, even if they lie and say they aren’t.
Today’s horoscope for Cancer: looking good, gorgeous! Your pungent body odor attracts members of the opposite sex like shit attracts flies. Don’t shower, it will make you even sexier. You will probably find money in your purse or wallet today. Spend it on something stupid.
Today’s horoscope for Aries: whether or not its obvious now, you are on your way to becoming a raging alcoholic. Your life will become a living nightmare. People look up to you, even if they don’t tell you so. Continue to set a good example for those around you. This might mean watching less porn so you have more time and energy to accomplish things. Even after reading this, you still won’t watch less porn.
Today’s horoscope for Capricorn: You often allow your dick and/or vagina to control your life choices. However, if you save your sperm and/or menstruation blood for a month, it will reabsorb into your bloodstream and give you enhanced energy for outdoor activities. Enjoy the beautiful weather today and worry about the future.
Posted in: Horoscopes